Following up on my post, Redefining Resolutions for 2016, I am writing on how to apply my ideas around making resolutions towards relationships.

I have been looking at resolutions as a way to “re-solve:” to look at a dilemma, consider what I want or need, and then form an action towards that solution.

To resolve things in relationship takes a specific kind of action- one that depends one or both individuals taking a different course of action in relationship to another.  

Resolving something in relationship is about taking actions that:

  • reestablishes a connection between the people involved (which can be evidenced in the workplace as a creative flow of ideas, things getting done, and ease and joy within the relationship)
  • leads to closure within a relationship or within a certain conversation topic
  • establishes a state of harmony or connectedness within yourself (and this is independent of whether or not the person is able to resolve with you)

The action of resolving is like filling in a gap between two sides of a relational gorge. What has become disconnected fills into a solid state of connection.  In the therapy world these are considered repairs, and they must happen after a rupture in a relationship’s bond or the relationship will start to break up, energetically or literally.

A rupture is like a fissure within a relationships bond, where something gets in between people. There are many reasons for this, and is made complex by the fact that the people involved are doing something to themselves to then close themselves off to one another.  In essence, a bond is ruptured when the feelings of safety and security is threatened somehow.  We all have different and unique ways of responding to life when these circumstances happen.

Perhaps a mistake has been made. Something said sparks bad feelings, and suddenly a conversation that was feeling good, shifts. Feelings of uncertainty, fear, shame, regret, or resentment start to flutter. You feel more alone, farther way from each other than before. Someone pushes another away, another person may withdraw. It’s like a bridge disappears. The connection between the people involved is at the very least bothered, or in the worst case scenario, the connection is completely lost.

Unless the people involved are committed to their connection, and have the resources to work through conflicts, the relationship will have to take on a form that can manage the disconnect.  As I have seen it happen, if people don’t have the resources to resolve, the relationship takes on a very painful life.

Repair takes investing in the trust that connection and love can be repaired.  This is a relational skill learned only through experience.

Not everyone is willing to work on their capacity to love more and move through difficulty.  They may not even know that the body of therapy is meant to help people move into loving connection with others, or that it is possible to see a conflict through to a state of harmony and ease in relationship. I write about these circumstances in my post called “Resolving with or without difficult people.”  We all learn how to resolve, or not too, in relationship.  Therapy is the practice or looking at these patterns, and relearning how to connect with yourself and bond with others in healthy ways.

A rupture can lead to a stronger bond between people, but it takes being committed to moving toward love and solidarity within places of rigidity, ruggedness, and discomfort.  It helps to breath, to take some space, but to always know you will return to a place of connection if that is what you strive for. Actively look for what will fill in and salve the gaps within your relationship, try something out, resolve to try again until you succeed at redefining what connects you together.

The fierce magic of resilient relationships arrives in places of rupture where the people involved look for stability together.  

Relational connections can be repaired.  I’ve seen it happen and practice it within each of my days in a small way.  Looking for where I am disconnected with myself or another, and reaching out for connection again.  I honor the dance between all beings in this way.

The sense of feeling disjointed or in conflict resolve and return into states of harmony and ease together. Close contact is comfortable again. Smiles emerge, and the glimmer of love is restored.

When that glimmer of love sprouts its light again, its like a peace of mind settles into a groove. I am in awe every time, relishing in the heart challenge that it takes to re-establish a bond after a rupture.

Feel free to contact me if you or your partnership could use some resolution or repair work.  We can work through it together.